


A Painful Walk

by Caramel_Roze



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, M/M, Other, Pain, Regret, Reminiscing, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 22:05:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16072268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caramel_Roze/pseuds/Caramel_Roze
Summary: My first songfic!Inspired by Rita Ora’s latest song ‘Let you love me’, since it gave me Ash-angst vibes.Set at the end of Episode 12 ‘To have and not to have’, as Ash is walking to his fight with Arthur.





	A Painful Walk

**Author's Note:**

> *The lyrics of the song are the ones in bold  
> *I didn't put all of the lyrics, since that's copyright I guess.  
> *ALSO FULL DISCLOSURE! I in no way own this song nor its lyrics. It belongs to Rita Ora and Atlantic Records.  
> Enjoy!  
> *wipes tears with 10,000th tissue*

 

All his life, Ash had been deprived of love. All he knew was murder and how to appease lustful patrons. He hated his life for it and he, in turn, hated himself for it as well.

Even when he finally found ‘love’, then fate would steal them away too soon. His brother, his friends, his girl.

He knew at that point, that he needed to close his heart. He couldn’t feel hurt again.

Until Eiji came.

This fearless, strange, and awkward Japanese boy gave him what his heart screamed for. Love and understanding.

He wanted to open his heart to him, all of it. However, he knew as well, what an open heart meant.

Max was right. Eiji was his ‘Achilles heel’. But Ash didn’t care. If he died, at least he got to know what love felt like. True, untainted love.

 

* * *

 

It was around 3AM that Ash started dreaming of his lost loved ones.

He dreamt of his brother again.

He remembered his warm smile and the gentle pat he gave him before he left for war, only to come back a shell of his former self. It was his last goodbye before Ash lost him forever. But the happy memories of his smile and embrace calmed him.

He dreamt of Shorter and Skipper.

Their warmth and generosity untainted by the cruelty of the world. Their embraces and their kind words would never be forgotten by him. Even if he blamed himself for their fates, Ash knew that even in death, they’d still cheer him on wherever they are now.

Hopefully in heaven. Away from the blood and warfare happening below. How lucky they were.

Perhaps if this all ended horribly, at least he would look forward to seeing them again. However, he thought of Eiji. Of course Ash would welcome death, he’s realized that many times. Eiji would miss him, he would mourn and weep for him, and this made Ash conflicted.

He would welcome death, but not in front of this boy’s eyes.

 

….

 

The ring of his IPhone woke him for the day of reckoning.

He looked to the blaring screen. It was Cain’s number.

“Hello.”

“Mornin Ash. It’s go time. Come at the train terminal like we mentioned. No guns, just a switchblade.”

“Got it. See you there.”

He ended the call and pocketed it in his jeans. He gave a loud sigh into his Halloween-decorated apartment room, though it was overshadowed by the loud snores of Kong.

Ash chuckled to himself whilst looking at their sleeping forms. So peaceful and close together; Bones hugging tightly into Kong’s gargantuan form, and Eiji on the couch beside him silently snoring.

Looking to Kong and Bones clinging to one another, Ash smiled to himself, _‘Cute. They’d make the pair._

Then he looked to Eiji.

Ash’s frowned vanished and a hard line replaced it. He had all the chances last night to tell Eiji of the tickets to Tokyo. However, the Halloween festivities and party vibe ruined his chances. He couldn’t tell him. Just couldn’t.

Upset, he covered his face with his hands. Everything could fall apart today, but I…had a great time with these guys.

_If only…I had more times like this. I could just not go, forget about the fight and just…stay with Eiji._

Ash looked to them again, tears in his eyes unseen from his guests. A painful smile etched on his face.

He knew he couldn’t do that. A duel is a duel; and he had already spilt enough blood to make this happen. This needed to end today. For everyone’s sake.

With a heavy heart, he stood, walked to a drawer where he kept his glasses and switchblade and pocketed them. He turned to the window, noticing the darkness of the night, yet the dawn sky emerged gradually.

He needed to hurry. It was time.

As he approached and opened the door, he spared one last look to the sleeping Japanese man he adored to no end, and prayed for his happiness.

 

…..

 

It was cold and still dark out, but the dawn approached on the emerald-eyed gang leader.

He looked forward, the determination in his eyes. Yet, deeper within those depths, pain and fear whirled. He was scared, yet he was willing. Willing for whatever outcome awaited him of this fight.

He listened to his feet as he walked.

It was quiet.

Calm.

He looked around him. The beautiful quiet city. For now at least.

He had mixed feelings of New York. It was the place he was imprisoned, sold and made a murderer of. He should hate this city, but at the same time, he has such happy memories with friends here.

His gang, Shorter, Skipper…Eiji.

Ash sniffed. Oh Eiji, I wanted to hug you…

He put on the shades and proceeded to walk to the direction of the terminal.

_‘I envy you for not needing a gun in life’_

Ash remembered him saying that statement to a contemplative Eiji. It seemed like aeons ago. Back then, things seemed calmer than now.

His steps hurried.

_If I don’t hurry, I’ll just end up going back to him._

 

 _**I should've stayed with you last night** _  
_**Instead of going out to find trouble**_  
_**That's just trouble (yeah).**_

__

Ash wanted to hug Eiji. He wanted to wake him up, hug him before he left. He wanted at least one last comfort before walking to death.

But…he couldn’t. Of course, I couldn’t, he’d just follow me then and I’ll put him in more danger.

Thoughts of Skipper and Shorter flashed in his head. He stopped to grasp his chest, silent sobs shivering his being. But, as quick as this moment was, he straightened himself and continued the walk.

The sound of his steps felt like stabs. Every time he stepped a foot, the pain arose. Every step accentuated his thought, _‘I don’t want to go. I want to go back. I want to be with Eiji; run away with him so he’d never need to see violence again.’_

Of course, wishful thinking was just wishful thinking.

But still.

He walked to paths that didn’t have many people. He just wanted to be alone. As long as he was alone, he wouldn’t be distracted.

 

 _**I think I run away sometimes** _  
_**Whenever I get too vulnerable** _  
_**That's not your fault (yeah)** _

__

As he walked, he passed a house with shouts from within. He looked to the window’s briefly and saw an angered woman and man.

The shouts of blame resounded in Ash as it reminded him of his fight with Eiji. He had found out of his ‘justified’ murders of Arthur’s men. He remembered the screaming innocence and pity in Eiji’s eyes as he tried to reason with him.

Of course, Ash ran away from this crime, as power was really what decided the world’s actions. This, of course didn’t do well in Eiji’s eyes. Of course he’d take it the ‘straight’ way. He’d never understand _his_ life.

Maybe that was his excuse. Just blaming people for not understanding him, and instead, just refusing to face his own problems himself. As if he was running away from it.

Of course he would. He would see his weakness if he did, and what good is seeing weakness when you’ve been powerless almost all your life?

 

 ** _See I wanna stay the whole night_**  
_**I wanna lay with you till the sun's up**_  
_**I wanna let you inside**_  
_**Oh, heaven knows I've tried**_

 

He checked his watch. 5 minutes till he got there in his walking speed. He passed a couple whom stood near a tree. The man cupping the woman’s cheek, adoration in his eyes mirrored by the girl’s surrender to his embrace. The two kiss, with the man placing his hands on hers.

The man then knelt down and kissed her stomach,

Figuring it out, Ash smiled in their direction. _Congrats._

If only he’d been born like these two. Him and Eiji, sharing a baby, a life of happiness and peace. Well of course, they’d suffer the bills, jobs and the occasional spat here and there, but that was normal.

Better that than murder. A hundred times preferable.

He closed his eyes again. If only life had been like that.

  
_**Chorus**_  
_**I wish that I could let you love**_  
_**Wish that I could let you love me**_  
_**I wish that I could let you love**_  
_**Wish that I could let you love me**_

__

He smiled at the imaginary scenario of marriage with Eiji. It came out of nowhere, but it’s probably the drinks from the party talking. Or not. He’d thought of peace in Japan with Eiji. Of course no disgusting Natto for him, or perhaps he should grow into it?

Eiji had tried to help him understand his way of life. The peaceful Japanese way of life; where life wasn’t a constant juggling match with fate. Of course Japan would have its flaws, but it’s not as horrible as here.

It’s far better than the warfare lessons, geopolitical and educational lessons and of fucking course the…intimate lessons.

Remembering those crude times, Ash gritted his teeth. He wanted to punch something.

  
_**Say what's the matter, what's the matter with me?** _  
_**What's the matter with me?** _

_  
_ Step by step, he neared the train terminal.

He breathed in and closed his eyes again. As his eyes closed, he saw Eiji, and his face melded into his past love.

A girl of 14, bright, beautiful and understanding. She knew he was dangerous, but she boldly stood forward, said some sassy joke and somehow, she stood by him.

He didn’t think at the time. He was too happy. But of course, any happiness that’s bestowed to him will eventually be lost to him.

She died because she loved him. Now he would carry her death forever. Loving was too harsh for his soul. Feeling such a cruel emotion killed him. So he swore he would never fall in love again.

Oh how foolish again. He was still human. Of course he would still love and it fell in his lap once again in the form of a naïve, incompetent, silly Japanese man who acted young for his age. A man who dressed bandages like a confused baby, and as such acted like a confused baby. At least he tried to help him emotionally.

He was there for him through the harshest times. Comforting him like no one has before. _Eiji….oh Eiji._

_I wish I could’ve opened my heart to you more. But what’s the use in that? If I let you love me, well, what happens if I lose you too?_

He'd lose it.

 

 _**Oh, I wish that I could let you love** _  
_**Wish that I could let you love me now** _

**_  
_** Even when things got harsh, Ash would remember Eiji’s comforting words, his arms, his embrace devoid of nefarious purposes.

Many hands had dirtied his body. However, with Eiji…Ash instinctively hugged himself. It felt pure, warm and absolutely wonderful. He wanted to be in those arms. He would willingly dirty himself just for the chance to protect and keep those angelic arms around him.

  
_**And every time it gets too real** _  
_**And every time I feel us sabotaging** _  
_**Best start running.** _

  
3 minutes now. The terminal was close. He could see it from the distance.

The flurry of people rushing to early job shifts and the dawn almost breaking the late evening sky.

His steps became heavier. At first, it was lighter from his determination, but thoughts of regret and Eiji became anchors to his spirit.

He knew this would happen, so he tried to think of anything else. Desperately thinking of anything just to push that lovable, cute and oh so innocent face of that Japanese man away from his mind.

Of course, it was fruitless.

He wanted to see him, say sorry for everything he put him through, sorry for leaving without notice, for being so different from him.

He wished he could do more. But of course, what could he do now?

Wasn’t he already betraying Eiji again by accepting this fight?

 

 **_And every time I push away_ **  
_**I really wanna say that I'm sorry**_  
_**But I say nothing**_

****

He entered the terminal. People passed him buy with curious eyes. Whispers and jeers on his appearance.

Ash wanted to shut them all up. Fuck them.

He gave in to his thoughts on Eiji. If he was going to die today, he wanted his last thoughts be of Eiji.

Be it his touch, his soft lips and untrained tongue, his warm words, embrace, his weird cooking skills and his beautiful silly smile.

His awkwardness was beautiful.

He again, wished for better times. Different alternate lives with Eiji flashed in his head. From marriage to meeting in high school to even having met when they were young children.

He would’ve protected and been his friend in those lonely, painful years.

If only.

  
_**See I wanna stay the whole night** _  
_**I wanna lay with you till the sun's up** _  
_**I wanna let you inside** _  
_**Oh, heaven knows I've tried** _

  
  
Ash’s eyes started tearing up again. The happiness and pain burstingin his soul.

His heart beating with adoration for the happy feelings these wishful thoughts gave him. A multitude of thoughts continued as he walked down those lonely steps, every step felt like a ticking of a clock hand.

He thought of the book in that large library that he read, and saddened by the ones he’ll probably never get to read.

Another step. A minute lost. More minutes of not being near Eiji’s side.

 

 _**I wish that I could let you love** _  
_**Wish that I could let you love me** _

 

Ash dreamed on. Thoughts of happier days in Japan, in Eiji’s home (Izumo was it?) and meeting his parents, describing Eiji’s silliness in great detail just to see him blush in embarrassment.

He then imagined more intimate times he would've had with Eiji. He would be careful lover. He would listen to Ash, not exploit him. He would shower him in true love, not force it. He would give him modesty, not shower him in rich gifts. 

He would cook his strange food, yet at least they were made with love for his health.

If only huh?

  
_**(I wanna) stay with you till the morning** _  
_**(I wanna) lay with you through the sunrise** _  
_**(I wanna) show you that you're my only** _  
_**(I wanna lay with you till the sun's up)** _  
  
_**Oh, heaven knows I've tried** _

__

_I wish I could’ve done more for you Eiji._

_I wish you never stepped into America._

_No._

_I wish you didn’t affect me this way._

_I wish I didn’t love you._

_Wish I …I wish I could’ve given you peace._

_I will do so._

_I will end the violence._

_If not. I’ll watch you. I’ll love you from somewhere._

Ash stopped walking.

He made it.

He took out his phone and texted a message to Bones and Kong to notify Eiji of his ticket to Tokyo, and lead him safely to the airport.

 _I’m such a coward._ He cursed himself.

Yet, it was better this way. He took a deep breath, ignoring the wracking sobs of his heart and psyche.

Now he waited.

  
  
**_I wish that I could let you love_**  
**_Wish that I could let you love me_**

__

Brisk steps ahead approached Ash’s position. He saw that familiar cruel shadow of him.

He stopped a few feet away from Ash.

Now, the clock chimed. Time to end this.

Ash gazed at Arthur. Vengeance and anger burned in their forms.

Cold blue eyes faced pained yet confident emerald eyes.

“Let’s have a rumpus hm Ash?”

Then, with Cain whom also arrived, the three descended down the depths of the terminal, more steps away from the peaceful life he could’ve had with the boy he loved.

Away from the normalcy outside in the city, the Halloween celebrations. He remembered the laughter and his probable final supper with his friends.

 _I wish I could’ve told him how I feel._ Ash thought.

_If only._

****

_**Oh, I wish that I could let you love** _  
_**Wish that I could let you love me now** _

 

**Oh _I wish, oh I wish, oh I wish, oh I wish, I…_ **

**Author's Note:**

> God my feels are so HIGH since episode 12.  
> I needed to write this for therapy.  
> God Ash PLEASE FFS WHY CANT U LET ASH BE HAPPY. WHY. WHY WORLD?  
> AND NOW I JUST FOUND OUT BANANA FISH IS GONNA HAVE A WEEK HIATUS WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSE TO DO FOR A WEEK HELP.  
> For more info on that hiatus, link here: https://twitter.com/bananafish_tv/status/1042820691655970816


End file.
